a chance at a breathtaking piece of folly

I didn’t even realize I had an inbox message until tonight. How long has it been there? I haven’t put the effort into this blog that I once took such pride and care in, so I don’t even check it every day. And I rarely get messages…But thank you for your kind words and acknowledgement of my title :) 

I realize the last few posts have been quite depressing, but in reality those are just passing moments of distress. Unfortunately I don’t feel the overwhelming need to expel my positive thoughts into a blog as I do when negative ones come ‘round. 

I’ve just received my master’s and continue to have a steady job and my mother is recovering and I’ve even made love. The last few weeks have been emotional, confusing, exciting, disappointing, and relieving. And I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I feel privileged to have the pleasure of experiencing so many different sensations, because in the end, that means I’m alive. 

And I’ll take that over anything.

Always living my damn life for everyone else. Can I just do what IIIIII want?

I was doing so well, so positive, so forward. I have a good job, good friends, good family. The only thing I was missing was that last piece of the puzzle: a boyfriend. I know it sounds superficial and all that, but honestly, it’s time. I’ve been single for two years now.  Previously, I had been in relationships for 6 years straight. Now I’m sick of it. I’m sick of everything about being single. I decided to change that. I went after someone I was interested in, he reciprocated interest, I was on Cloud Nine. What do I find out? He’s got a girlfriend. Jesus Christ, can I catch a break?? I lay low, thinking “don’t look for love, it will find you.” I focus on me, thinking “if you love yourself and create your own happiness, love will find you.” I say fuck it, and make a move myself thinking “shit, you have to make your own fate, don’t rely on the universe.” Welp, none of that helped. I’m still where I was. Why? Why do some people have men crawling after them? Why is it me that watches everyone else? What am I doing wrong? I lost weight, got healthy, became positive, worked hard, and still nothing. While other people just exist, and have men flock to them. Must. Be. Nice. 

This endeavor I set out on last weekend to finally make my own destiny with a man ended up failing, and now I’m just spent. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of it! I’m worthy, damnit. I’m worthy of someone wanting to be with me, wanting to touch me and love me. Jesus I sound like a desperate high school bimbo. I don’t care. And when things can’t get any lower, HE asks for naked pictures. Great, make me feel even shittier. “You’re not good enough for a friendship or a relationship, just for me to jerk off to your tits” 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no drive no motivation nothing. I honestly am just slipping away I just can’t.

i remember when love was exhausting.

i breathed sweet air

into my lungs

held it there

held it tight

but holding it became unbearable

so i let it out

let it go

and now my chest 

moves steady and even.

At 1:00 am. He’s probably drunk. He’s probably had a fight with his girlfriend. And he’s probably horny. And it still gives me butterflies. 

And so I woke up near the sea,
Sand in my dreams
You are already falling back in love with me
Just fall back in love, yeah
Just fall back in love